The Gift I Wish She'd Left Behind
This blog is raw and personal, and it conjures up such sadness for me. Even so, I write this because it is healing, and I would be remiss if I did not share my personal experience so that you might be driven to action.
Today would have been my best friend’s 57th birthday. It’s been over a year since she passed, and I miss her friendship so much! She was the Ethel to my Lucy, my source of great joy and laughter! Losing her took me into a deep depression filled with grief and despair. Of course, it did not impact only my life, her family and other close friends were devastated as well.
After her passing, being busy helped take my mind off my own sadness and was a way of coping for me. Right away, I began to help my friend’s husband get their finances in order, to make sure he was able to get their bills paid on time. These were all the things she always took care of for them, and I stepped in as I know she would have done for me.
One of the major challenges I faced was the lack of direction left behind from my BFF. She managed ALL their financial life, even for her extended family. Unfortunately, her husband knew nothing about what bills were due or even how to pay them. He lacked any skills on the computer, barely able to send an email. He never needed to learn because my friend was so capable and enjoyed handling this area of their lives. Watching him struggle with his grief while trying to learn new skills was heartbreaking. In fact, he could not even bring himself to try to learn anything because he was so stuck. He kept saying, “But she took care of all of this, I don’t know how to do it!” If I am being truthful with myself, I was mad at her for not preparing her husband and delegating her financial life to someone trusted like myself or a family member. Instead, we were left to pick up the pieces and try to figure out the extent of how deep the financial web went.
Do you know how hard it is to try to be a computer sleuth and phone detective finding passwords and documents when you are grieving? I do, because I had to be that person. The pain of asking her adult children help me when they were dealing with their grief of losing their mom was indescribable. The guessing game of, “Ok maybe the password is this, or this, or this!” was not my idea of fun. Or the absolute elation at finding a written password book in the desk drawer, only to find that the passwords had not been updated. All our nerves were frayed, and patience was low, causing tears of sadness and frustration daily.
Do you know how guilty you feel when you are mad at your loved one for dying? I do, because it happened to me. I was constantly talking aloud to her asking her why she did not give me direction on what to do to pay her bills and shut down her small business. I might even have cussed her out a time or two, I was that mad. Of course, I immediately felt guilty, because how can you be mad at your best friend who died? The confusing and mixed emotions were truly paralyzing.
Do you know how hard it is to close a bank account that you have not designated a beneficiary to? When you have a business bank account as a solopreneur, of course it makes sense when you open it to only have yourself listed. Your husband is not part of the business, so why have him associated with it? One of the problems lies in when you are not alive anymore and your loved ones are trying to stop the automated bills from being paid now that you are not operating the business. The banks are so highly regulated that even with a death certificate, closing the account can be challenging.
Speaking of death certificates, do you know how hard it is to keep being reminded that you are gone? With everything being electronic anymore, the death certificate is required to close accounts, change names, etc. The cruel part is the death certificate can take weeks or months, depending on the cause of death. In the meantime, accounts no one can access simply keep running. The bills continue to get paid; penalties start piling up, funds are perpetually draining, all as if she were still here to stop it.
So, why am I writing about the heartache I experienced in the aftermath of my beautiful friend’s passing?
Because now that some of the fog of grief has lifted, I so desperately want to impart on you the importance of having your finances organized. I want her passing to not be a source of pain, but a way for me to help others.
Having your financial life organized, or even somewhat organized, is truly the most thoughtful gift you can give to your family. Consider implementing the following 3 steps, knowing your family and friends will feel your love even after you are gone.
- Passwords: find a system to safely store your passwords. They can be manually written, but only if you keep it updated. There are cute, alphabetized books you can purchase for this. Or you can use a password management system on your computer with the caveat that your trusted friend or family member has the ability to actually log on to your computer.
- How to: Write out instructions on how to pay your bills. Are they automated? Do you go to the place of business to pay the bill? Keep a running list of what your monthly bills are, what day of the month they are due, and how they are paid.
- Bank accounts: If you do not have a will already designating an appointed executor, set up the account as a joint account. At the very least, designate the account as a POD (payable-on-death) or TOD (transfer-on-death). This will likely keep the account from going through a long probate period.
Even if you only can complete one of the following steps, it will be one less heartache your loved ones will have to endure in the event of your own passing.
I would consider it an honor if you gave this gift to your family and friends ahead of time, knowing that my best friend’s passing somehow had a purpose.